I’m actually doing something more important than writing on this blog–yeah, well, this one is PRETTY important too since I had not enough time to sit down and write different things other than my school assignment–yep, being a college student is actually a tough job, although is very challenging and interesting to finally know that I’m able at doing something very different than what I usually do. Studying at Psychology major wasn’t my first thought when I decided which college to go and what major to take. It was my so-last-year dream. I was about to take English Literature. Yeaaah, a very fresh dream that I considered to be my last dream, before my mom suddenly changed gear me to take Psychology.
One of my mama’s close friends told me–or maybe he vaguely tried to motivate me–that her daughter suffered the same thing like me, she didn’t take major she wanted. But she graduated successfully even her GRE was always consistent every semester: 4,00;4,00;4,00. Me? Never even reached 3,5 for national standard. And every semester is only filled with disappointment, all over again like I had no regret for having such a bad record on my GRE. Couldn’t tell more. I think I’m gonna have another disappointment of my GRE. I don’t know what will happen with my GRE in the next semesters, ’til the end that I’ll finally finish my last exam in college: making an extremely thick essay as a requirement to graduate. Yep, I think I’m ready for that.
But, with Cs on my record? Uh uh, no no. I’m wasting my time to do it all again, to just repeat the same thing, same regret, same mistakes. Well, I don’t wanna do that. I’ve changed gear from the first passion to go to Brown University to Yale University. I might be able to do that, yeah I sure will. I will fix my records, be one of Indonesians who studies there, get the scholarship, and sayonara, Indonesia!
Thinking back of what I’ve been chasing for, I realized I hadn’t accomplished anything, yet. I wanted to be a writer, a journalist, now a dubber, and the last thing I dreamed of is I wanted to be an actress. Being a writer: I only produced few articles per year, and none of the competitions I’d participated in that I won, that means my article and other writings’ quality isn’t the best of all, I think it didn’t get any better. That’s sad, of course.
I wanted to be a journalist: first possible step I could take is to study at Communication major, or English Literature major. With my moderate ability in English, I think I could improve myself for some years until I can be able to write an article in whole English. And it’s published! That will be my biggest achievement!
But the reality is, I studied at Psychology which forced me to change every plan I made for my life. I didn’t really write after I quit for more than five years. I couldn’t even lift myself up when I’m down, when I’m supposed to write but I don’t. I watched television for hours, slept or took a nap for more than 2 hours, went upstairs and downstairs several times and just grabbed food from refrigerator, just to return it again after I ate half of it. It’s wasteful, yeah I know it. But in my defense, as someone who is so moody and extremely emotional and easily bored, I do that kind of stuff to balance my consciousness and my unconsciousness, my confusion and my certainty, without finding any answer.
I’ll write, then I’ll quickly stop to watch something on Youtube or downloading–mostly I’ll watch cartoons. I’ll take exercise for some minute, and I’ll stop to see myself lying on the floor or bed ’til I fall unconscious. Or if I wanted to look more intelligent, I’d open Huffingtonpost.com and read for some while, but really I won’t continue writing. I never finished my writing, then I’d regret what I’d wasted in a day. At night, I’d watch American Dad or The Cleveland Show with pleasure.
This kind of phenomena when someone can’t concentrate in one thing until it’s finished, is called “faffing”. In my EF class, it was quite popular. Since our edgy and ex-hippie teacher suffered this kind of ‘disease’. He would teach us for some minutes, then he could suddenly change topic and keep talking about it for another minute. He would end up saying, “I’m faffing again.”
Until then, something finally has grabbed my collar, trying to slap me, or almost kill me. I was left breathless, my cats weren’t there, but I didn’t need any help. I was listening as that voice grabbed my ear and whole my soul. It stole my attention. I was watching as my mom searching for a beauty class where in the future she would like to join. She’ll retire from her job in three years, the same year I will–Insya Allah–graduate from university.
She’s planned everything for her retirement. Beauty class, driving class and get license, taking English course (which she’s been planning on her mind for decades, but never went on one). She sees herself as a lonely mom in the future: I will be studying in America for two years or probably hopefully more, my brother will go out of town for studying, but later he said he will just study within Jakarta, since he too doesn’t wanna leave Mama.
I saw her scrolling down pages to pages, from one recommended Google site to another, just to find the right one for her. “Ah, here it is!” she shouted. “It’s near and cheap and complete… All will be learned.” Then she took a note to write down the address. I watched her writing, she didn’t see me when I talked to myself, ‘This is why I’ve made everything before I get old.”
“Yeah, I mean I’m gonna be 20 the next April and I haven’t accomplished anything yet and now that I’m studying at college that insists to focus on just one thing, I wanna do so many things. Unlike when I was a kid, I was a shy, didn’t wanna try stuff. I’m now brave enough to show myself, my ability. I wanna try everything before I build a family (which is a bullshit, since building a family never flashed through my mind, even for a second, just to enjoy sitting and cuddling next to my husband, disturbed by my running kids and catching them for dinner, and cuddling again and one of my children will shout, “I wanna pee, Mom!”) ”
“For me,” I continued, “everything is worth trying, now. You see, I kind of see myself in the future as a Psychology graduate who will take an English Literature for another degree, I’m learning how to play guitar, I’ve planned to go to America before I get 25. That’s my age limit. After 25, I think I can’t do bigger things than I’d done and I will retire forever. The world will stop me.”
“Yeah, that’s great. You can list everything you wanna do now for you’re still very young (I consider myself as a very old student, sorry). Don’t wait ’til you be like me, over 50 and had nothing.” WHAT!? She’s working on a great job in a great position at BPOM RI but saying that she hadn’t had anything great? Yeah, I understand why. Here’s the reason why I understood it and not trying to deny her.
“I’d been dreaming of taking English class but since I’m very busy, I couldn’t spare time on anything but my job. I spare time for you, for family, but not for me.” That’s sad, really. When she can finally spend her time for herself, I am the one who sometimes can’t be with her. The only time when we gather as a family, is at night.
See? I’m faffing a-gain. This is not exactly the point I’m about to say, turn around!
Yep, the last paragraph was true, I wasn’t faffing. But the last two lines are additional.
Back again, that time I was thinking, still sitting next to my Mom, without her even realizing that I wasn’t listening to her anymore. I was flying solo without leaving my seat next to her. I might have what my mom wants, ability in speaking English. Though I’m not fluent, I’m so proud, at least I’ve inspired someone to study, and I have something that anyone would also want to have. Not only that I’m able to speak English–at least, speaking with my EF teachers makes me feel like an advance, haha–I write things on my mind on a blog or on Microsoft Word with speed that nobody in my family has–even though it also scares anyone that I’d break the keyboards, eventually I had done one =P. I’m creative, though I just found that out when I started writing for the first time, and was brave to send it to a magazine, well it wasn’t published if you asked.
Creativity and guts are all I need to run my own life. I haven’t run my life yet, I’m still living with my mom, I’m still a jobless student, I haven’t settled for my passion. I’m still supported by her, I haven’t done anything meaningful. I don’t have anything that I could say proudly that it is ME.
And most of all, at least from my mom’s point of view, I’m still young. So young that she says I’m allowed to do and try everything I want. She trusts me, I won’t go out of line. She lets me to be anything I wanna be. At first, she controlled me that I had to be something that my mom is living now, working on a health field. If not doctor, I can be a pharmacist, just exactly like her. My dad wanted me to be a doctor, for prestige. But in the end, they understood me. I can’t go that way, that isn’t my passion.
Slowly but surely, they’re leading me to chase my dream. My mom mentioned several times about my eagerness to be a journalist, she was refusing the idea of me being an English Literature student, but now she’s letting me to take it if I have time to study. Before he died, my dad accompanied me to apply to my first scholarship, Singapore was the country. He didn’t push me to take Science or anything related to that. I told him a year before that I didn’t fit in any of Science stuff. Thus, he supported me to take English or Social Studies. I was so happy. However, I didn’t get the scholarship. My dad still supported me to try another one next time. But those next times would be without him, I’m sure he’ll watch for me fighting for own living up there.
I’m not talented enough, I’m not a gifted person, but I gave too little of my own time to thrive. I haven’t worked that hard to reach my dream: to get scholarship, go to U.S, become a Yale University student. I have been wasting time God has given me for free. I guess I’d used them for nothing. Even to make my GRE better, I chose to sit in front of television while reading. Of course we can’t focus on seeing two things differently even though we’re insisting to. No matter how important the test tomorrow, if you’re studying in front of television that is showing Spongebob Squarepants for fun, who’s not gonna be distracted? It’s more colorful. I think only holy and sinless and solemn people would do that.
I don’t wanna regret anything in my old days. I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life regretting what I’ve missed, what I’ve spent my life for. I wanna be useful, not at least, but very useful. The only thing I have now is my body and its complex structure. I shouldn’t get satisfied easily, I should earn more and more. It will be useful for me, sometimes. I can’t just get enough of my English level and the TOEFL score I earned this month, I have to evolve. I’m willing to speak English fluently, but I don’t work hard enough to. That’s why I stutter when I speak, not so confident to write in English.
I wanna be a multi-talented person, I wanna make my both parents–though one has gone–proud of me, sounds cliche but really I haven’t done it yet. Just like my idol said, the person I look up to when I’m feeling like to stop, quit, and just watch cartoons instead, “My parents won’t care even though I’m not an A student, but it is my nature that I wanna be the best in everything. That’s why I’m so total in everything I do.”
It’s Cinta Laura Kiehl, if you didn’t know whose quote is it. I wanna set the highest dream on my mind, wanna live that kind of life too. Even though my parents only wants me at least to be an average student, I don’t satisfy myself to be just an average. I wanna be an A student because I set the most impossible goal for anyone in my family said I wouldn’t make it. My cousin has been one first, so yeah I’m kinda disappointed.
How if I can prove them that I can be what I want and not wasting time anymore and work the hardest, if possible, without sleeping for 24 hours? Wow, that’ll be the wowest moment in my life.
Well, this is my reflection a week ago, that I wrote today, because I was having my last exam. I tell you now, the result won’t be satisfying, but I promise this’ll be the last time I spent time for nothing. For I wanna achieve so many things, I have no more time to get young again except now. To prove everyone that I don’t wanna be so old to start doing things right and regret moments I should’ve and shouldn’t have done. Before I get 25, and someone proposed me, which I’d love to refuse. Hehehe
Ayuri aka Ayurilda Amalia